Guys, I thought I needed a juice cleanse to start the year off right after eating my weight in cookies and realizing that my pants will fit my mother better than my sugary arse. So I present you with my 2014 Juice Cleanse: Part d’oh! I’ll be live blogging the cleanse from now until Saturday. Day 1 was yesterday and I’m currently on day 2. So far, I’m surviving. Will you?
GiltCity had a coupon for a company called JuiceWell based out of California. It was only $85 for a 3 day cleanse (which was waaaay better than BluePrint). So I signed my sweets life away and started the cleanse the Wednesday after New Years.
First, they don’t have a mailing system in place yet in the Northeast it seems, but they do courier to a few areas near Jersey City, including Manhattan. Just note, delivery means hand delivery. I didn’t realize this at the time, and some poor girl rolled up on Tuesday when it was negative infinity outside.
Unlike BluePrint, JuiceWell doesn’t give you an email before you start with tips or help, I’m assuming that they assume you already know what you’re doing. I slacked off my meat and dairy consumption (and sorta my sweets) in the two days before the cleanse, but I think any newbie would benefit from knowing these things, especially if it really does impact your experience.
The juice breakdown
Let’s talk about what you’ll be guzzling for the next three days. To their benefit JuiceWell provides you with a greater variety of flavors than BluePrint and I find that very exciting. It did get a bit daunting to drink the same 5 juices everyday last time.
Day 1 Juice 1: “fall in” (pear, apple, carrot, ginger, and cinnamon). Step 1: DO NOT SMELL THE JUICE. Woof. At 6am a noseful of CaRrOt is not what I wanted. Also, it scared me. This one actually isn’t that bad. It’s a little sweet, definitely carroty, and as soon as your done swallowing WHABAM! Ginger. Wakes you up real fast. I’m not sure what they want you to “fall in” to, but I felt like I was tossed in without warning. Meanies. Finished it without issue though. And was definitely awake after.
Day 1 Juice 2: “basic greens” aka a travesty of life (cucumber, celery, parsley, collard, chard). Guys have you ever composted? And then accidentally got a whiff of it on a hot day? Bingo. I don’t know what in the sam hell JuiceWell was thinking, but not putting ANY fruit to sweeten this thing was a colossal mistake. I literally gagged when I opened it. Half a lemon didn’t even come close to putting a dent in that grassy lawn of a drink. Chugged about 3 1/2 gulps and called it quits. BluePrint’s green juice is at least palatable. This tastes like your salad in a blender, and not in a good way. Let’s not even talk about the burps afterwards.
Day 1 Juice 3: “Cacao royale” (coconut, raw cacao, vanilla). So after Juice 2 I was totally ready to just give up on life all together. I think they were anticipating that. Juice 3 is actually a smoothie. Basically, this beats out P.A.M. and that spicy lemonade from BluePrint because hello?! Chocolate! The texture is a bit funky, but you get over that pretty quick, because did I mention CHOCOLATE? Guys, JuiceWell and I are besties again.
Day 1 Juice 4: “Recharge” (grapefruit, beet, orange, ginger, cayenne) This one already has me nervous after my terrible beet experience with BluePrint. I’m even more nervous because everything else sounds delicious in this one and I don’t want beets to ruin the party. Party poopers. Against my better judgment I took a whiff – yep. Definitely beety. My first sip was all “hmm, it’s actually fruity, and a little beety AND HOLY MOTHER OF GOD IS THAT CAYENNE?!” Pretty much all you taste after the first 2 nanoseconds is cayenne. (Edit: Actually I think the spice I’m feeling now is ginger? My tastebuds are numb, I’m not really sure) I don’t hate it. But it feels a little aggressive. At least I’m awake again after that mid-afternoon slump. Also, it’s pretty. This is like the spicy lemonade from BluePrint’s totally saucy cousin who likes to push boundaries. She’s all “Ha you thought THAT was spicy? I could make a grown Indian man weep. Bring it on.”
Day 1 Juice 5: “Rock you” (cucumber, celery, lemon, orange, echinacea) Well this was certainly fun. It was mostly tolerable with the addition of an entire lemon. I contemplated putting in some simple syrup but thought that was probably taking things too far. Also probably not allowed on a juice cleanse. Sad face. This one I drank sitting on my sofa feeling sorry for myself. All around me is leftover candy from the holidays. It’s not even trying to hide. I’m realizing I have terrible willpower. I suppose that’s what got me into this tight-pants mess in the first place. Oh well, never trust a skinny chef? Amirite?
Day 1 Juice 6: “Cashew and Hemp Milk” (cashew, hemp seed, spring water, date, cinnamon, vanilla) I didn’t space these last two juices out enough, which was fine because I was actually still hungry after guzzling 80% of the last green juice. This my friends, is what the vegans might call a milkshake. It was decadent and creamy. I’m pretty sure if you added this into a regular diet it would be terrible for you. It tastes like sin, delicious, delicious sin. I happily sipped this while watching re-runs of TopGear and crying from laughter. I almost forgot I was on a cleanse for that lovely hour. They’re also so nice to you with that last juice.
To be continued….